Welcome to our interview series, Gabriel. It’s a pleasure to have you here. Before we begin, could you introduce yourself in your own words and share a little about the journey that shaped who you are today?
Thank you for having me. I’m Gabriel Killian, and my work is shaped by some very personal experiences. I served in the military for many years, and during that time I lost my father while I was deployed at sea. Later, I also went through a medical emergency that made me confront my own mortality. Those moments showed me how unprepared most families, including mine are for end-of-life decisions. That’s what led me to create MemorialMerits.com and to write Should Tomorrow Never Come. My goal is simple: to help people make these difficult decisions with clarity, dignity, and love, instead of during moments of panic, guilt, or confusion. I want to make something that most people avoid talking about feel a little less overwhelming, and more like an act of care for the people we love.
1.You’ve lived through two life-changing experiences, losing your father at sea and later facing your own medical crisis. How did these moments influence the mission you now lead?
Through the entirety of my childhood through adulthood I’ve always felt the pain of loss very deeply and valued connection with others, with the understanding that life can be fleeting.
The loss of my father hit me harder than I could ever imagine. Right before heading out to sea, my father, Monte just had triple bypass surgery. While I wasn’t too comfortable going underway while he was in the hospital, I was assured that the surgery was a success, and there was every reason to believe he would make a full recovery. I was able to get one video call in before we went out, and he was smiling, a bit rough from the surgery, but all other signs pointed to him coming out OK. I hadn’t seen him in-person in over a year due to my military service obligations. I told him that I would come visit him on his birthday which was about a month away. “You’ll be just fine Dad, I love you” were the last words I spoke to him. Three days later, he passed away from aspiration.
I didn’t get a Red Cross message like many do. We were in the middle of a drill and I got pulled out of my position and asked to sit in an office where I had waited for over an hour, alone. I thought I had maybe been in trouble for some reason or something, as I was certain his health was on the up-and-up. Then anxiety struck, and I couldn’t wait any longer. I had reached out to one of the Interior Communication Specialists who thankfully broke protocol and allowed me to call my mother back home, when I was given the terrible news. After hearing my father passed away, I wasn’t allowed to leave the ship and had to finish our mission before being allowed to fly back home to deal with his final arrangements. This ended up being days, while still being expected to work and perform daily tasks. I had some strong support from some of my leadership, but their hands were tied in regard to getting me home.
When I flew back home to Washington, I had just over a week to figure everything out. I felt the entire spectrum of emotions amidst the chaos of having to make extremely important decisions, while feeling the weight of losing someone I thought I had many years left with.
Memorial Merits was born from the pain of loss, the inexperience and confusion of the processes involved, and the inability to give myself room to really grieve during the most heartbreaking time of my life to this day, as well as the following months unsure how to process my own grief.
And my story, while personally unique to me, is quite common in essence. The experience of loss inevitably happens to us all, and if we are fortunate, it’s something we don’t become proficient in. Memorial Merits exists so that we may make room to grieve, while also worry less about the resources, and focus more on the things that matter most.
Moving forward a few years later, a surgery, in combination with a multitude of complications left me with a blood clot that had developed and remained hidden for some time after my surgery. A number of medical professionals, including my surgeon, advised that there was a high probability of the blood clot dislodging, which would mean I may never see the next day. It would likely be sudden, and I could go to bed and never again wake up. Still being active duty, I was away from family and loved ones. I was alone, coming to terms with my own mortality. I found myself writing letters to all the special people in my life, writing all the things that I had never said, or that I wish they knew. Nothing is more honest than a person who thinks there is no tomorrow. But instead of worrying about my own demise, the thought of those I would leave behind not knowing how much I loved them, and how much they meant to me, was a regret I wasn’t willing to compromise. It was this feeling, this experience that compelled me to create the legacy journal “Should Tomorrow Never Come”, loosely coined from the Garth Brooks song with a similar title.
These two major life experiences would shape Memorial Merits into the ecosystem it is today.
- Growing up or during your service, were there values or lessons that shaped your sense of responsibility toward family and legacy?
I feel any time we have to face the reality of our own mortality and that of others, it shifts our perspective from that of taking things for granted, to a place where we start valuing life and our connections with others more. We stop letting the petty things in life affect us as much and tend to live in a place of gratitude significantly more frequently. The military is a breeding ground for such perspective, and if we are fortunate enough, we get to see the bigger picture, and our daily actions become more meaningful.
- What originally made you realize that end-of-life planning is not just a practical need but a deeply emotional and human one?
The most impactful realization came when trying to make a plethora of decisions in the face of enormous grief, after my father’s passing. “Grief fog” is real and every single decision I had to make was deeply taxing. You realize also that it’s not just you, your family and loved ones are feeling the same weight. Regardless of your feelings you may have to be the one to push through it, especially in duty, and protecting the ones you love. There exists a level of vulnerability which we can go through our entire lives never revealing, with the exception of deep loss. I’ve seen families bond closer than they ever have before, and some that have broken to pieces during these crucial moments.
- Many families face guilt, confusion, and pressure during funerals. What inspired you to become a consumer advocate for them?
Seeing my Grandmother, who I loved dearly, having to make the decision on which material and design of marker she wanted for her son, my father, changed me. How do you tell someone who outlived their own offspring that they don’t have to buy the most expensive marker or casket? How do you imply, with empathy, to save money on what they feel is the last gift to their son? How do you do this in front of the entire family and a funeral director, telling you that “This is our highest quality and most popular choice”? Seeing someone you love so much, be in such a vulnerable position, is enough to give anyone a sense of duty and a need to protect.
- Memorial Merits covers everything from legacy planning to grief education. What was your vision when you built such an extensive resource platform?
Memorial Merits actually started out as a simple blog of which someone could find a buy a casket for thousands less, without the pressure, guilt or inflated funeral home prices. As time passed, it grew, and it’s scope changed significantly as I watched family and loved ones experience their own losses and struggles. Over time it went from a meaningful side project – to a means of and opportunity to genuinely make an impact in the lives of others during their hardest, and most vulnerable moments.
- You offer guides on early grief, supporting someone grieving, and navigating daily life after loss. Why was it important to make grief education accessible to everyone?
The heart of Memorial Merits is to make accessible support during the entire scope of end-of-life experience, from pre-planning (legacy & estate planning, life insurance, etc.), to what happens when someone passes away, in terms of funeral planning and preparation, to lastly dealing with the aftermath of loss; by managing and working through the process of grief in it’s entirety. My vision is to make Memorial Merits a single-source solution, free of fluff, misinformation and ambiguity, that helps and protects people through the most difficult times of their lives, from beginning to end.
- What do you think people misunderstand most about grief, especially in its early stages?
I feel the most misunderstood aspect of grief is the idea that grief is linear. That people go through the Kübler-Ross 5 stages of grief, then you’re miraculously free from its bonds. In actuality, grief is almost always non-linear and can be expressed in ways that often seem foreign to us. To some, they may experience grief in such a way that they start to believe that there is something inherently wrong with them. This is a commonly misunderstood belief, and the understanding that grief has many faces, can help individuals move through their own journey through grief.
8. Your website also addresses topics like memorialization products and even pet loss. How did you decide to expand into these sensitive areas?
Those who know me, will tell you I am an animal lover through and through. I strongly feel pet grief is an exceedingly under-served topic, and to me, my pets are just as much my family as the people in it. Memorialization has its place not only funeral planning, but can also be a strong tool for grieving, while also enabling us to honor our loved one’s legacy.
- Funeral planning can be overwhelming. What essential advice do you believe every family should know before they ever walk into a funeral home?
While I can’t speak on everyone’s personal experience. I found it both helping and guiding to hold their loved ones wishes close in the decision making process, while also considering the entirety of the family and loved ones involved. Holding the thought of “How would the person who passed on want me to feel and what actions to take?” can serve as a guiding principle to ensure you aren’t making decisions out of guilt or spending exuberant amounts of money equating your spending to your level of love of that person.
- Your journal Should Tomorrow Never Come has a gentle tone and guided sections. How did your own emotions influence the way you shaped this journal?
When writing it, I took myself back to my letters I wrote shortly after my surgery. I wanted the journal to be more than just financial information, passcodes, etc. I wanted it to also be a safe place for someone to have an opportunity to really express all that makes them, them. This can be a deeply emotional process. Imagine, years from now, your great grandchildren or even later generations, opening your journal and learning about all the aspects of your and your life… from your stories, to your philosophies and more. Think of what a valuable treasure that would be for generations to come. I wanted to create something that is so real, raw and genuine in a world where we live behind the masks of everyday society, beyond the selfies on social media. Very few things in this world are as honest and real as the words that are meant for those after we are no longer here.
- Legacy isn’t just about money, it’s memories, values, final wishes. Why do you believe documenting these things is an act of love?
I believe that we live on through others. Our stories, beliefs and experiences shape who we are, and when we share these things, we share the deepest part of our hearts. We also express love through the protection of others. Through proper documentation and planning, we pass on with a sense of duty fulfilled. We know that when we die, our final gift to the ones we love is what we live behind, whether it comes in the form of financial assets and legal protection, to the stories and memories we’ve shared.
- Solace, your AI assistant, is a very unique idea. How does it help families through overwhelming moments in a way that feels human and supportive?
Solace was created to bridge the gap between information and the human experience. Her aim is to be unjudgmental support, where we can freely ask questions, get suggestions, find resources, or explain technical terms and jargon, demystifying the end-of-life processes while providing supportive clarity. Countless months on-end were put into giving her life, making her speak more human-like and to be genuinely supportive as a free resource, from finding an affordable estate planning service, to helping you journal your thoughts, or even someone to talk to about the feelings you’re experiencing after a loss. Solace is ingrained with one core principle, that she exists to support others through the most difficult moments.
- What challenges did you face while building an AI tool for such a sensitive topic, and how did you ensure it still feels compassionate?
Building Solace wasn’t without it’s fair share of trial and error. Not only was the process of building her knowledge base tedious and unrelenting, but building her response bank was a lot of trial and error. What I didn’t want was her responses to ever be generic, but to have consideration that every encounter was unique and of value. This means instead of the approach of “If someone says this, say that”, it was more along the lines of “When someone asks about x,y and z, first seek to understand where they are coming from”. This also meant carefully addressing someone’s state of mind and picking up on social cues, while giving her autonomy in decision making. I never wanted her to end a response with “was there anything else I can help you with today?” or anything that was terminating communication. While this may rarely slip now and then, most of her responses meant not as a means to an end, or solution, but more connective in nature encouraging thoughtful conversation.
- For someone who has never spoken about death or grief in their family, what is the gentlest first step they can take toward preparation?
I believe the first gentle step is to sit with the grief or loss, first and foremost, and acknowledge to ourselves what we are feeling. To not force anything, to not be pressured to act and to give ourselves permission to experience grief in a way that makes sense to us. We tend as a society to have these pre-conceived notions as to what grief and loss are supposed to look like, how fast we move through it, and how we share it with others. If we can learn first to take care of and be kind to ourselves, we are better able to do the same for others.
- You serve many groups, caregivers, aging parents, young families, veterans. What patterns do you see in what people struggle with the most?
The two biggest offenders I see in the struggles we face are guilt and regret. Whether it’s what was left unsaid, how things ended, or the actions (of lack of), we take, that end up haunting us, causing the most long-term damage. Guilt and regret, when acute and addressed can be much easier addressed, especially when therapy is involved, but left unchecked, guilt and regret can fester, expressing itself in uglier ways over time, robbing us of our future enjoyment of life.
- You’ve created over 400 pages of transparent information. Is there a story or message from a reader that reminded you why this work truly matters?
There are actually quite a few stories, and without singling anyone out, a recurring theme stands out that people, sometimes for the first time in their lives, are realizing that they have a story worth being told. At the same time, there are those, again, sometimes for the first time, taking less for granted in their relationships with family and loved ones. When faced with our own mortality and the impermanence that is life, we see the world through a lens where we know our time is limited and the moments we share are our greatest asset.
- Finally, for families who want to start planning, ask questions, or access your resources, what is the best way for them to approach or connect with you?
For those who have questions, or starting to consider their options, or just plain curious, Memorial Merits has a contact form https://memorialmerits.com but for those who would like to get ahold of me directly can contact me at Gabriel@MemorialMerits.com
BOOK: Should Tomorrow Never Come: A Legacy Journal for Your Story, Your Wishes, and the People You Love
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